Friday, March 6, 2009

Difficult Conversations

I'm interested in difficult conversations, which can be an aspect of interpersonal coammunications and organizational communications.

I define difficult conversations as anything that one finds it hard to talk about. For example, appraisal or attempt to resolve family conflict or thrash out problems in one's relationship or marriage. Currently as an undergraduate who's not working in any business organization, I'm more concerned about difficult conversations in interpersonal communications.

Conversations can get difficult because they are usually about your and their feelings, emotions as well as self-identity. For such sticky conversations to have a satisfactory end, the involved parties have to prepare themselves. For example, admit that they may have contributed to the problems and that it is fine to make mistakes so long as they learn from those mistakes. I find this rather unlikely in Singapore because Singaporeans generally have no room for mistakes and they hate to admit it. Even if Singapore is gradually opening up.

By such preparation, they will be more receptive and open to hearing the other party out. However, things can work out only when the involved parties are willing to trust one another and be honest. I find this an issue in Singapore. Singaporeans, like typical Asians, are less open about their feelings because they associate it as being emotional which is seen as being weak and wrong.

I think that to trust is to be willing to be vulnerable, and exposing some vulnerability can be a sign of good faith. This is because I believe humans are reciprocal beings. However, people are usually guarded and unwilling to be honest because of past experiences of being hurt or maybe even due to their cultural upbringing.

I find it a dilemma. On one hand, some degree of honesty is needed to come up with a joint solution that addresses the interests of the involved parties. On the other hand, it is understandable that people want to protect themselves after learning from their previous mistake(s).

In any case, communications is a dynamic process and there are many factors that influence the progress of communications. How do you think difficult conversations can be better handled and what do you think can be other possible factors that influence the progress of communications?

8 comments:

  1. Hi Kalene,

    So as a Singaporean, do you sometimes felt difficulty in admitting wrong? Personally, sometimes I do, I do not want to step the first step in apologising. However, gradually I realise, wrong is wrong, admit it then you’ll be able to face the problem. Someone will have to take the first step. Why not that person initiating be me, right?

    Another way to handle difficult conversations is to say the right thing at the right time. We may often tend to jump into conclusion before finding out what exactly happen. For instance in a quarrels, I find it would be good to let both parties cool down first before addressing the issue again. This is because further supporting your own stand during an anger-filled conflict would make things more difficult to resolve.

    Factors that affect the progress of communication could be a person pride or stubbornness or even lack of effective communication skills. Things take time to improve, the progress could be hasten with one better understanding of the issue and equipped with means to solve the conflicts.

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  2. One thing that helps facilitate difficult conversations is necessity. If you are working with a group, organization, or company, you have a common goal. If concealing a mistake will make the whole unable to accomplish its goal, then the individual will bring it up. If the problem is such that the group is in no immediate danger and the only party that will suffer is the perpetrator, then there is less likelihood for successful resolution as the perpetrator will do all in their power to absolve themselves instead of having a true open dialogue.

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  3. Hieyo Jane!

    Often, I do apologize when I know I'm in the wrong. However, I do have times when I felt it was awkard to apologize because of pride issue. For example, when the other party is filled with triumph at my mistake, putting me down and demanding for an apology in a condescending manner.

    And yes, I agree with you that it is good to give the involved parties time to cool down without thrashing things out. Personally, I use this method because I believe words once said can never be taken back. No matter how you apologize. And verbal attack can sometimes be more hurting than physical attack.

    I also agree that one's personality can affect the outcome of communication. Unless the other party has perfect control of his/her emotions. For example, communication with someone full of sarcasm can be quite a handful. The other party then has to delve deeper into the emotional state of this person and solve the underlying emotional issues first before solving any other matters.

    However, in normal situations, the other party has a higher probability of retaliating tit-for-tat then to approach this situation in a rational manner. And as you said, time is needed to better one's communication skills. How true that is. (n_n)

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  4. Hieyo Matt!

    Yes, I absolutely agree with you that necessity is needed to faciliate difficult communications. In the corporate world, things are easier to work out. This is because there is less variance as compared to personal issues.

    In the corporate world, everyone knows there is a problem that has to be worked out if their KPI drops.

    However, take for example in a relationship, the female may perceive that there is a problem that needs to be solved in order for the relationship to continue. However, the male may not see this necessity and start to avoid the conversation he perceived to be difficult.

    Where there's no common platform or charter and everyone sees things in a different way from the other, difficult conversations can be hard to be facilitated even where necessity is perceived.

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  5. Hi Kalene,

    I feel that it is sometimes impossible for people to openly admit their in the wrong. I have seen numerous conflicts where both people feel that they are not in the wrong. In normal schoolwork, it is easy to rectify the differences as there is no major harm in admitting mistakes as long as the mistakes get rectifed. In the working world, it was a direct opposite. There is a saying that the schooling life is the last chance for you to make mistakes. I heard that the most common mistake found in clinical trial audits is the lack of reporting by the staff when they make any error. This shows how hard resolving difficult conversations could be.

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  6. Hieyo Bernard!

    Personally, I don't see need to apologize so long as the problems get resolved. One can make mistakes, depending on the severity of the mistakes but one has to also make amendments for the mmistakes committed. So long as one picks up the pieces for his or her mistakes, I don't see any problem.

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  7. Hieyo Kalene,

    Your post is interesting! Personally, i feel that why most of us do not wish to admit our mistakes is because since young, our brains are hardwired to equate punishment with mistakes committed. Punishment is bad, hence mistakes are bad. Who would want to admit they are bad?

    Another sad fact is, in this materialistic society, we tend to measure one's success by the amount and severity of mistakes one committed. This is very true, if not why would one need to declare if he is an ex-convict when appplying for jobs or why is the government holding campaigns now and then to encourage the mainstream society to accept ex-convicts?

    To sum up, one's flawed personality is just a contributory factor, for the main influencing factor is the societal norms and that arise the many difficult conversations pertaining to admitting mistakes.

    Cheers!

    Johny (SHM)

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  8. Hi Kal,

    I agree with Jane that pride is a great factor in contributing to the unwillingness to admit mistakes. And I do fell that people do uphold their pride especially in asian countries. Probably like what Johny mentioned, it all boils down to the cultural mindset and the unwillingness to accept failure. What is worst is that some people try to cover up their mistakes or push it over to someone else.

    Hence, the only way to overcome this barrier is to put down your pride and learn to admit your mistakes. Another way would be to put yourself in the other person's shoe and think from another perspective. If not, either put down your feelings and think rationally or consult a friend and get their views.

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